Monday, March 9, 2015

Lately

The other day I was standing in the shop at work, waiting for Kate to finishing making a hat for a customer so she could clarify the price of cushion covers for me to inform the people of instagram, when I saw this amazing card.


I drew a sharp intake of breath and quickly looked around at the nearest people to me. I scanned their faces to see if they had just experienced the same revelation. This over priced piece of cardboard had just spoken to me. I wanted to hold the card over my head and yell it out so the customers who hadn't yet made it to that corner could also benefit from this truth. I felt like I have been slowly realising this on my own and Sigmund Freud and The School of Life just put it into bold faced words for me. There's a lot I don't like about Freud's work, but he has fucking hit the nail on the head with this one. 

(I stared at that sentence for ages trying to turn it into a classic Freud joke but nothing came to me. Its probably because I'm a woman; men are better at jokes. If only I had a penis.)

I am constantly wracked with insecurities, awkwardness, doubt and generally assume that everyone else has got it together and knows all the secrets to a happy and fulfilling existence. Gradually, I'm realising that the people closest to me are not that clued in or as well informed or experienced as I imagine. This tends to shock and irritate me. When you hold someone to a certain standard and then they behave like a bit of a dick, it fucks with your world view a little bit. After a few a major shake ups I've come to terms with the fact that this is just the way the world is. Just because your family members are older than you, doesn't mean they always have the right idea.

But still, when I meet someone new I get an instant wave of "holy crap, she's so cool and smart and sexy and confident and amazing HOW DOES SHE DO THAT MAYBE IF I BECOME HER FRIEND IT WILL RUB OFF ON ME"  

And then I spend more time with her, thinking how enriched my life would be if I was her instead of me and maybe if I had a tattoo on my forearm and studied at a business arts school in New York, I too would have my dream job prospects and a boyfriend with long hair and a dog. After all, we went the same high school and therefore are practically already identical. Until, I'm telling her a story and she just doesn't quite respond the way she should. Or the way my true idol would. Or maybe she drops eye contact a little too much or misinterprets my story. Maybe the real adults don't see her the same way as I thought. Something happens. And it clicks. She's human too. She's just as confused and unsure as I am. She also has personality flaws and insecurities. She's also bumbling along and making things up as she goes. She's not necessarily someone I should aspire to be. 

Hey, maybe she's thinking the same thing about me.

I don't mean to suggest that's it's depressing that no one deserves to be looked up to or that we're all a huge disappointment to one another, but rather that it's comforting to know that we're all on the same level. I guess its another way of saying "imagine the audience in their underwear" (not really a good tactic — what if everyone else looks like a Victoria's Secret model in their dacks and you look like Fat Bastard) or "everyone at some point in their life has had explosive diarrhoea" (poo is funny).

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